God’s Plan for Marriage: A Vow to Oneness

Sermon Transcript

Would you pray with me? Our Father in heaven, we give you all glory, honor, praise and thanks for who you are. What a privilege it is to gather with your people to worship your name, because you and you alone are worthy of all of our praise. Lord, we thank you for your living, active word, because we as a people believe that every time your word is faithfully and accurately proclaimed that you are speaking, that means we can hear you.

Talk directly to us. So our prayer this morning is speak, Lord, for we are ready to hear. And so now for all those who have gathered who desire to hear the Lord Jesus Christ speak directly to you, who will believe what he tells you and who will by faith, put into practice what he shows you. Will you agree with me very loudly this morning by saying the word amen? Amen.

Last week we began our family's fortified series. And we started in Genesis chapter one. And we started with how God created us, how God made the world in six literal days and on day six, how he created humankind. And we talked about how God created humankind in his image. Really important because we bear the image of God.

And then we talked about how he created us, either male or female, and how our gender derives our purpose in this world. And then we talked about how our mission was to create and establish families. And then we talked about how God gives us the resources to do all of that. And that's where we begun as an overarching view of this family series. Well, what we want to do today is come back and talk about what happens when you get married, what is going on there, and how do we fight for what God has created.

I want to let you know in this message if you're single, if you're married, if you've been divorced, if you're widowed, if you have any desire to be in a marriage, whether your marriage is sizzling, you say it can't get any better, or whether your marriage is in the tank. And you say, I don't even know if this is going to work out. I believe God has a word for you today. If I were single, if I'd have been twelve years old, 20 years old, I wish I would have heard this message before I got married, because I want to highlight five truths about marriage today. Because when you get married, you make a vow to oneness.

So I want to invite you to open your bible up to Genesis chapter two. We're going to be in verses 24 and 25, Genesis, 224 and 25. And we'll use that as our text as we launch today's. Message. Now, here's what's going on in Genesis, chapter two.

By the time we get down to that chapter, we see what went on on day six. That God created a man, first placed him in the garden to work. We talked about a man's role was to provide and protect. And then he said this. It isn't good for man to be alone.

That means this. Men, you need help. You're better with someone than you are by yourself. After everything God said, he created, he said, that's good, that's good, that's good. Let me tell you something.

That's not good. It's not good for you to be by yourself. So he created a companion from his rib, not from his head to be his boss, not from his foot, so he could step on her, but from his rib, so they could be united as one. And when he sees Eve, he says, it's now flesh and my flesh, bone in my bone. She should be called woman.

And notice what the verse says in Genesis chapter two, verses 24 through 25. It says, for this reason. Well, what reason? For the reason that God created humankind in his image. For the reason that he created them, male and female.

For the reason that God wanted to establish family as the foundation for how he was going to propagate his glory throughout the planet. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Now, if I were doing premarital counseling with you, if I was doing a tune up in your marriage, if your marriage was on the tank, this is the verse that we would go to. You get this verse right, you get everything right.

You get this verse wrong, you get everything wrong. And what God wants you to know is that when you make vows, you make vows before him. And here's what happens. When you make a vow and a pastor officiates a wedding and declares that you are husband and wife, what happens prior to that time is you live as singles. There are two individuals.

The bride walks down the aisle to the groom. There are two individuals. And the biggest lie for singles is although you're the individuals, you should try to live as one. You should share a phone bill. You should share a bedroom.

You should share a house. You guys can get away with it. Pretend that you're one even though you're not one. That's Satan's biggest lie. And it'll be okay, and it's not okay.

But what happens when you say your I do is God makes you one. You are one. God sees you as one entity. He doesn't see you as two people that are doing things together that are committed to each other. You became one.

You are one flesh. And guess what the lie is? Once you say your I dos to try to live as individuals. And if you don't see that, you won't thrive in your marriage. Because what you don't understand is what challenges will come.

You don't know if there's gonna be a health challenge. That's why you say in sickness and in health. You don't know if your life's gonna go well or not well. That's why you say, for better, for worse. You don't know what kind of finances you're gonna have.

That's why I say, for richer or poor, you don't know what kind of kids you're gonna have. You don't know what kind of challenges you're gonna have. But if you fight for oneness instead of fighting the challenges, you can get through anything by God's grace. If you fight as two individuals about the situation, you can end up ripping and severing this. And if God is for marriage, which he is, and God is for you in your marriage, which he is, what the devil wants to do is usurp that and break that.

That's why he goes after Adam and Eve. Once God establishes their marriage, that's when he shows up in the story to pull them apart, to break them up, to come into the center. If you're married, you're one. When you say your I do, you're as one as you'll ever be one. Now the question is, why are you one?

Because God wants to use your marriage as the Imago Dei, which is Latin for the image of God, to represent his glory on the planet, not just as two individuals, but as one entity. So the question becomes, what are the things that you must do to show and bear the image of God as a couple? And I want to highlight five truths, singles. You can work on most all of these five truths even before you get married. Most all of it.

We'll tell you where you can married people. You have opportunities for all five of these every single day. The better you are at these five, the more your marriage will thrive, the worse you are at these five, the more challenging your marriage will become. And I want to tell you something else before we get started. I'm talking to you as a practitioner and not a professional.

I'm talking to you as your pastor. I've failed in all five. I'm growing in all five. I haven't arrived in any of the five yet. So if you hear me tell the story, I'm going to try to tell the story of how I'm still working on it, not how I've mastered it, because I've not mastered any of this.

And we won't master it until we get to heaven, but we can get better at all of it. So I want you to pay attention today, and I want you to hear what the Lord has to say. And when we talk about God's plan for marriage, we're talking about a vow to oneness. God no longer sees you as two if you're married, but he sees you as one. If you're single, he sees you as an individual.

So stay an individual. But if you choose to get married, you're making a vow to be one with somebody else. That's why it's important that you choose somebody that loves the Lord and values you. Amen. So let me give you the first one here today.

If you want to have a vow to oneness, the first one that you're going to need to keep oneness alive and to grow in oneness is you're going to have a regular opportunity for listening. A regular opportunity for listening. That's how you value one another. When you listen to one another, you value one another. That's why James 119 says, be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.

Sometimes I feel like that verse was given directly to me. Right? Or how about in the book of proverbs? Proverbs, 1813. He who gives an answer before he hears it is folly and shame to him.

In a marriage, you'll have an opportunity to listen. Now, there's a difference, and I want to highlight some of them. And you'll understand what this is between hearing and listening. Hearing goes like this. It means, I heard your words, but I may not value the one who is sharing them or what they are saying.

I heard what you said. I heard those words. Hearing is, I am now ready to respond and combat what is being said. I've been posturing myself while you've been talking, and now I'm ready to tell you what I think hearing is. I am considering my own opinions and how to interject them at just the right time.

While you are talking, hearing means I'm ready to re enter the conversation with statements rather than with questions. Hearing means I am simply buying the time until I can persuade you that I am right and that you are wrong and when you are being heard, here is how you are going to feel. You will feel. You will not feel free to share your deepest thoughts and convictions, because you will know you are not valued. You ever been heard by somebody?

It could be somebody at the store. It could be your spouse, it could be a friend. It could be a child. They heard what you said, but they are not valuing what you said. They are not valuing you.

They are not looking to ask more about it. They heard it, but they're moving on from it. Or they're saying you're wrong to think that. You're wrong to have that feeling or opinion. Listening's different.

Listening means this. I value what you are saying because I value you. I care about you. So if you're gonna speak it, I'm gonna listen. Listening means I'm humble enough to learn from what you are saying.

You know what? You may be saying something that I don't even agree with, but I need to hear what you say, because you may be right, and I may need to hear it in a way I didn't know it before. Listening means I'm reserving my opinions until I fully understand where you're coming from, because I may not have all the data and details yet. Listening means I'm formulating other questions so I'll understand what's truly being said. While you're talking, I'm thinking about what other questions do I need to ask so I'll truly understand what's going on.

Listening, as I'm considering what is being shared, could help shape the way I need to understand things. And when you're being listened to, here's how you'll feel. You'll feel invited to freely share everything you want to say, knowing that you're appreciated and valued. And you know what that's like intuitively, when somebody's actually listening to you and you're sharing your story and, like, let me ask you about that. And how long have you felt that way and how long has it been going on?

And, hey, was it something I said that caused that? Or tell me a little bit more about this and what could be done differently in the future so that you don't feel this. Do you know the difference between listening and hearing? If not, go to the DMV sometime. That's hearing, right?

You understand what I'm saying? You know this. And in a marriage, it's really easy to hear and not to listen. And it's our natural tendency to hear and not listen. That's why when you're meeting somebody for the first time, and you ask them their name and 5 seconds later you forgot it because you heard it.

But you're not listening and you're not caring enough about them, and you're too busy wanting to tell them what your name is. And then you tell them your name, and it's like I can't even remember what their name is. Why? Because listening is a skill, and listening demonstrates I value the person that's doing the talking. And no matter where you are on the scale, you can grow as a listener.

Some of you are more naturally gifted to be a listener. It's how God created you. It's what he's done in your heart since you've been saved. And you naturally listen. Some of us pastors are better at making statements sometimes than we are at listening.

And it takes extra grace to grow in that area. But to have a thriving marriage and to have thriving oneness, you need to be able to listen. Hear what the book of Philippians says in chapter two, where it's talking about the humility of Jesus. And by the way, all the one and others in the Bible apply to marriage as well as anything else. Listen to what he says in Philippians two three.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or empty conceit, but with humility of mind. Regard one another as more important than yourselves. That's listening. I'm hearing what you say because I value what you say, and I regard you as more important than me. So I really need to hear what it is that you're going to say.

Here's a pro tip for you. Ask more genuine questions and continue to learn and be fascinated by your spouse. People, we're dynamic. Your spouse is dynamic. They're not the same person that you married three years ago, five years ago, 20 years ago, 40 years ago.

Continue to ask questions. Continue to learn. Be fascinated about who they are. Be engaged by how God's growing them, understand their preferences, their likes, their dislikes. I mean, be enthralled.

Be engaged. Ask questions. Know them better than you know anybody else. That's how you show value and honor. And no matter how good of a listener you think you are, there's always room for growth.

There's always room to learn more. It's fun for me in my marriage when I learned something about my wife, and I'm like, why didn't you ever tell me that? She's like, I didn't even think about it. I'm like, that's so cool. I mean, you learn things that you didn't know that you thought you knew.

Or they think differently now, or they share differently now, or they feel differently than what they felt before. Do you know what's going on? And the only way you can do that is by asking genuine questions. And if I'm a listener, I'm asking because I really care about what you're going to say. If I'm just hearing, I'm just going through the motions because we're having a conversation.

And have you ever been in a relationship in your marriage where you feel like you're not listening to me, you're not truly hearing my heart? You don't understand. We have room and opportunity every single day in our marriages. And you will, if you choose to get married, to listen better, to understand more, to value more. When you're listened to, you feel valued.

When you're not listened to, you feel put off. If you want your relationship to thrive, listen more, listen more, appreciate it more. When somebody tells you something, even if you don't want to hear what they have to say. When your spouse tells you something, I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to know that.

But I'm glad that I know that because it's valuable, because that's how they truly feel. Listen to one another and that's how you value one another. Let me give you a second point. In your marriage, you'll also have a regular opportunity for oneness when you show honor. When you show honor, honor is when you preference one another.

Honor is when you preference one another. In romans chapter twelve and verse ten, it says this, be devoted to one another. In brotherly love, give preference to one another. With honor, it means, I'm gonna preference you. I'm gonna preference your likes, your dislikes.

I'm gonna prefer you. I'm gonna defer to you a lot. If you always have to be right, it's gonna be very difficult. In your marriage, you have to show honor. You have to appreciate how the other person thinks, how the other person feels, how the other person's growing, what the other person is doing, and how to preference their opinions, how to put that forward.

I know that's valuable to you, and I wanna see that happen for you. Preference one another. I mean, the Bible says even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. You preference other people when you serve them. And it's so important in a marriage, because if you don't show honor, it can hinder your relationship with the Lord.

Because now that you're a one. It works out differently as you pray. I mean, think about this. In one Peter, chapter three and verse seven, it says this, you husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker, since she is a woman and show honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. Why?

So that your prayers will not be hindered. If you're not showing honor to your spouse, God's not going to listen to your prayers. It's powerful, isn't it? You have to show honor to your spouse. And women, don't get all upset about that.

She's the weaker vessel because she's a woman. Can I tell you what that means? I mean, imagine today if I was holding one of those 711 62 ounce thermoses that are made out of plastic and rubber. And in the other hand, I was holding a crystal chalice. Both of them are vessels.

One's weaker than the other. The chalice is weaker. But you know what that means? It's more valuable. You have to hold onto it differently.

You have to approach it different, handle it different. Women, you're like that chalice. Men were like, the thermos. You can drop us, kick us. It's like, no big deal.

We're good, we're good, we're good. Women, you can't talk to a woman that way. Men and women talk differently. We learn to talk differently from the time we're young. We talk differently.

Men, we're very direct in what we say, and we don't really offend each other. Like, guys talk like this to guys. You know, like, bro, you're kind of fat. What have you been doing? You been eating a lot of chips or, that was one of the stupidest things I've ever seen.

Or when you did that, that was just dumb. And guys will say, yeah, it kind of was. Yeah, I've been eating too much. I need to work out. I've never seen women talk to each other that way.

Never seen somebody enter through the worship center and be like, woman, man, you are fat. Y'all don't talk that way to each other. Men and women, we talk different. We communicate different. We think different.

It's why God created us. So we have to show honor to each other. And there's all sorts of different ways to show honor. Honor means to bless with our words, to esteem highly. In proverbs 31, you see the children rise up and bless their mother.

They call her blessed. And the husband starts chiming in, no, no, no. There's many women out there. But you outshine them all. You can bless your spouse with your words.

Don't get in little groups where you do husband bashing and wife bashing. Never do that. You're going to bless with your words. You're going to bless with your speech. You're going to bless with your time.

One of the reasons that I bring my wife on the platform after every service when she's not homesick like she is today is because I'm showing honor to her. Because what you guys don't know that I know is I wouldn't stand here if she wasn't the woman that she is. If there's any good thing that you hear from the Lord on a Sunday, it's because I'm married to a woman that preferences me, that allows me to do what God's called me to do. She's great. Amen.

And she needs to be shown honor. So we bless our wives with our words. We bless our wives with our actions. We bless our husbands with our words. We bless our husbands with our actions.

And as it says, you know, a bell is not a bell until you ring it. And a song is not a song until you sing it well. A blessing is not a blessing until you speak it well. My spouse knows I love them. Have you told him?

When's the last time you told him that? When's the last time that you told him why you believe that? I mean, you're showing honor. It's esteeming. It's praising.

Do it through speech. Do it through your actions. And here's a pro tip for you. Love and bless your spouse for who they are rather than gripe about what they are not. Do you hear what I said?

Love and bless your spouse for who they are rather than gripe about what they are not. When you are dating, the enemy blinds you and only lets you see all the good about the person that you are marrying. And there is a lot of good about the person you are marrying. But you dont see any of the other stuff. And you dont know any other stuff yet because youre not married yet.

And thats why every engaged couple is like, you dont get it. We are truly in love. And out of the billions of people that lived on the planet, we're the only two that have ever gotten it right. Like, we love it. You don't even know how much we love or we're awesome together.

Right? Because you're two individuals. And Satan's like, okay, go for it, go for it. And then you get married and you know, what he does, he lets you have amnesia about the things that you loved, about why you got married, and start thinking about all the things that your spouse doesn't have, and your spouse has a lot of things that are valuable, and your spouse has some things they'll never have. So esteem them for what they do have, and quit looking around for what they don't, and quit comparing your spouse to somebody else that needs to have that.

I know the things that I'm good at. I know the things I'm not good at. When we got married, we had a lot of pictures from our wedding. We were hanging them in our house. And I told my wife, I'm like, there's no way I'm hanging those pictures.

There'll be three times as many holes as there are pictures on our wall. I said, call your dad. So she called her father, and I heard her on the phone. She said, dad, can you come over and hang those pictures? And I could hear his voice and say, now, kim, you're married now, and Jeff is your man.

You should ask him to do that. And she's like, he's the one that told me to call you. I'll never hang pictures. I'm not good at hanging pictures. I'm never going to be good at hanging pictures.

She had a father that did everything and could build things and lived on a farm and could put engines back together. My brother the other day asked me because he was having some trouble with his laundry machine. He was making a joke when I was over at his house, and the whole thing was taken apart. He was like, jeff, you want to help me with this drum? I said, sure, I'll help you.

It'll take me about 30 seconds. And I got on. It was Lowe's dot, and I held up. You want $600, $1,000, $1,500. All you do is hit the button, bro.

They'll come right out. Cause that's how I fix things.

What happens is you get married and you get married because you like certain things, but then you don't like those certain things after you get married. I loved my wife when we were dating because she's the most spontaneous, fun person I've ever been around. She can live in the moment better than anybody. I loved that. That's why I married her until we got married, because then it was time to grow up and be on time.

And I would tell her on Sunday morning, like, hey, we're leaving. She'd say, I'm almost ready. Almost ready meant, give me about another 20 minutes almost ready to me, means we're sitting in the car, and I don't know how many times we drove to church, and I would be mad before we even got there because we're going to be late, and I hate that. And I remember one time I was at a funeral. I was officiating.

Her mom's best friend had died. There were about 300 people in this small town, and they were at this school and this big gym, and they had tables and food and everything. And I was there, and I greeted everybody very quickly, and we talked and all this stuff, and then everybody started dwindling. I was telling kim, hey, let's go, let's go. And she was like, okay, just a minute, and let's go, let's go.

Just a minute. At the end of the day, it was her dad standing next to me by a wall, and it was her mom and her and one other lady, and we were the only five people left. And I don't play poker very well. And I'm sure my face looked like, what the heck is going on here? And her dad just looked down at me with some great wisdom and said, don't worry.

You'll get used to it.

And I was so mad. I used to pray about that stuff. And you know what the Lord showed me? He took me to stories in the Bible where he would go to a place, and Jesus, who had the most impressive ministry of anybody who's ever lived, then he had time to stay there for three or 4 hours or stay a couple extra days or spend time with people. And God began to show me, your wife's so much more relational than you, and I value that more than I value your time.

Can you just appreciate her for who she is? Change me? Right? So appreciate what the person brings and not what they don't have. Right?

Because the enemy will always get. They don't have this. They don't have. They don't have everything. Jesus has everything.

That's who you need to invite into your marriage. Your spouse doesn't have everything. Just esteem them for what they do have and value them for what they do have, and quit looking around for what they don't. Amen. That's what he wants.

And then when you preference them. Can I say another word about preference? It's really interesting, because in premarital, we'll ask people like we were asked, do you guys share the same values? And inevitably, oh, yes. We see the world the exact same way, and we laugh, you know, because I'm like, you don't you just think you do.

And I would say marry somebody that has very similar values to you. Marry somebody that has similar christian values, family values. Marry somebody most like you. Because when you get married, you're gonna realize how different you actually are. One of you is gonna like to save and one of you is gonna like to spend, and one of you is gonna like to stay up late and one of you wants to go to bed early.

And there's just all sorts of differences, even if you share macro values. But when you preference one another, whether it's how you plate food or you do a buffet style or how you squeeze a toothpaste tube or roll toilet paper, I mean, you can get in arguments over the dumbest things in a marriage because you're not preferencing one another and who really cares? But you have opportunity every day to say, you know what? That's the way you want it. I want to do it your way.

I'm going to preference you. I'm going to make sure you're satisfied doing that. Because at the end of the day, it's not that big of a deal. And here's the truth, and every married couple understands this, that unmet expectations cause more frustration than hurt than about anything else. Here's a pro tip.

Don't assume your spouse understands or sees what you see, because they don't. They don't see what you see. They just don't see it. And they don't. Even if they did see it, they wouldn't see it in the same way.

Like, there were times early in our marriage when my wife was like, don't you see your clothes on the floor? I'm like, yeah, that's why I stepped over them, you know, I mean, and so you have to have these conversations about, oh, that's a value to you to put it in the hamper. And it's not a value to me, but it's a value to you. And because I value you, I'll put it in the hamper so that you don't have to see it and look at it and it takes a little extra time and it's okay, right? And we have to have conversations.

We have to tell each other, and you gotta have enough honesty in your relationship that you can have these conversations. I mean, even this year we had a conversation. I was having a conversation with my wife and she says, you never really helped me with the dishes. And out of all the chores in the home, that's the one I hate more than anything. I'll help with laundry I'll help with.

And don't make me do. I hate doing the dishes. I said, I just don't like it. She's like, well, you do it a lot of times, like, your family or friends are over, and so you're, like, tricking them to believe you actually helped me, but you don't. And I said, well, it's not purposeful.

And so I've started to help clear the table and clean dishes, and I hate doing it, but I do it because my wife values that, and it's encouraging to her. Am I perfect at this? No. Am I growing in this? Yes.

And that's what we need to do. We need to preference each other and value each other because it's important to them. It needs to be important to you. And that's how we show the imago dei in a relationship. Don't assume that your spouse sees or understands.

You have to have conversation. You have to say, when this happens, this is how I feel. And it would mean a lot to me if those kind of conversations need to go on all the time. Let me give you a third one. And this is where people start a lot of times in marriage.

And there's certain parts of this that singles you cannot participate in, but there's certain parts that you can. And it's intimacy. You have an opportunity for intimacy. And intimacy involves trusting one another. You have to trust one another.

It's interesting. In Genesis, chapter two, verse 25, it says, for this reason, a man will leave his father, mother, cleave to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. When you become one flesh, your mom and dad are now your extended family. Your brothers and sisters are now your extended family. Your cousins, aunts, they're extended family because you and your wife are now family.

Now they're still valuable extended family. But you're family. You get to make the decisions. But notice what it says next. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.

I think this has more to do with just physical nakedness. Certainly they were physically naked. Certainly they didn't feel any shame. But one of the reasons they didn't feel any shame is they didn't have any emotional, mental, spiritual, or relational shame either. They were free to be who they were in the relationship.

And the only way you can be free emotionally, mentally, spiritually, relationally, and physically, is to build trust. Trust. Let me tell you this. The number one sex organ you have, the most important sex organ you have that you bring into a marriage is your mind. It's your mind.

It's how you think about that person you're with. Guys that are into pornography, gals that are into pornography. You've tricked your mind into fantasy, believing something about that person that you don't know, that picture you don't know anything about, believing something about them that you don't even know. And it's totally false. It's your mind that takes you there.

That's what leads it. So intimacy starts with the mind, and intimacy starts with honesty. It's trust. It's building. You want to scale intimacy in your marriage.

Scale. The honesty in your marriage means this pro tip, don't have any secrets from your spouse. Kim and I were talking about this week, and I was telling her, I don't think I have. If I do have a secret, it's not a secret secret. There's nothing I have in me that's trying to keep something from you.

Perhaps there's things you don't know about me. But if you ask me about it, you can know everything about me. You can read my emails. You can see my texts. I mean, you and me were one.

We have transparency, and you want to be able to do that. And if you don't have transparency and you don't have that trust, you cannot have intimacy in a marriage. Now, we'll talk about sexual intimacy here in a minute. But if you're dating somebody and you don't trust them, don't marry them. See, there's a lot of people that think, well, marriage will fix everything.

Here's what marriage will do. It will take everything that you're feeling now and multiply it by a factor of infinity. You don't trust them now, wait till you get married. How much? You won't trust them.

They don't value you now, wait until you get married as to how much they won't value you. They don't listen to you now. Wait till you get married at how much they won't listen to you. I mean, so as you're building, you're asking the questions when you're dating, can I really trust this person? Am I able to share my heart with this person?

Do they listen to me? Do they value me? Are they honest with me? Do they lie to me about little white lie things? Or are they truthful about things even when it costs them?

Honesty is everything to intimacy. Everything to intimacy. And so that's why I said, be grateful when your spouse is willing to be honest, even when you don't want to hear it, because truth goes a long, long way in your marriage, when you can be free to share who you are and what you think, and they're free to share who they are and what they think. It's a big deal. It's a big deal.

So be grateful. But intimacy, when the world talks about it, they just talk about sex. But intimacy is way more than sex. It's time. It's touch, it's gifts, it's service, it's affirmations.

Everything we've been talking about, it's listening, it's preferencing, it's trusting. All those things build into what's going on. And here's the problem. In most relationships, where there's problems that show up in sexual intimacy, 95% to 99% of the time, they're not physical issues. They may show up as physical issues.

They're emotional, spiritual, relational, trust issues that make it difficult to connect in that kind of way. Right. And here's what I would say. If you've married somebody and you've married a spouse, and they've been hurt in some way like that, they've been sexually abused, they've been hurt relationally, they've been spiritually abused. Then guess what you need to do?

You need to take more time. You need to honor more, you need to value more, you need to listen more. You need to build more. Because here's how God developed intimacy in a marriage. Here's what you need to understand about sexuality.

Sexuality, the way God designed it, is to serve one another in love in the context of marriage. And that is the only way to experience sexual fulfillment and intimacy. The way God designed, you can't do it outside of marriage. You can't do it before marriage. That's called fornication.

You can't do it after marriage. That's called adultery. You can't do it with porn because you're doing it by yourself. I mean, it's all about serving one another. It's all about serving one another in love.

And if you care about your spouse, then you're building them in such a way where they can enjoy that relationship together, and it should be part of the relationship. God thinks so much about it that he wrote a whole book called the song of Solomon that talks about it through all those chapters about how intimate marriage can become. And he pulls no punches, and he's not blushing. And then the New Testament, he talks about it, too. In one corinthians, chapter seven.

You need to understand, if you're single, this is the part. You can't participate in singleness. You're called to celibacy until you choose to get married. That's it, right? I mean, that's what the Bible teaches.

But in marriage, it changes and it's different. And let me say this, too. For some of you who have heard sex is bad. Sex is bad. Sex is bad.

Sex is bad. Sex is bad. It's marriage night. Sex is great, and you can't flip the switch. I want to tell you this.

Sex is great because our God designed it on day six, and he had it in his heart from eternity past, and he's not ashamed about it. It's good if it's in the context of a fulfilling marriage. Okay, listen to what one corinthians seven says is Paul is writing inspired by the spirit to the corinthian church. He says, in one corinthians seven, one. Now, concerning the things which he wrote, it's good for a man not to touch a woman.

If you're single, it's good not to have your hands on each other. Cause that person doesn't belong to you. You're not one with them. You're not in covenant together. You haven't vowed together.

But because of immoralities. Each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. That's why God designed marriage. That's why God designed your gender. That's why for most of you that have that sexual desire, God designed it to be in the covenant of marriage.

It says this, the husband must fulfill his duty to the wife and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her body, but the husband. But the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Why?

Because you're not your own anymore. When you get married, you chose in oneness to serve the other one in love, so you're not in charge. You're there to serve the other person in every way, including sexual intimacy. This is one that some guys would want as a plaque on their house. But first, corinthians seven five says, stop depriving one another except by agreement for a time.

So you may devote yourselves to prayer and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control. Here's what he's saying in a marriage. Don't use marriage as a tool to punish one another. In a marriage, sex should be frequent. The only time that it shouldn't be ongoing and regular in a marriage is when both spouses have agreed in this season.

No, because we need to devote ourselves more to prayer. We need to seek God together and only then for a period of time so that you can come back together and not be tempted by the enemy. Sex is not a way to say, well, you didn't take out the trash. Nothing for you tonight. That's pun.

Nowhere do you find that anywhere in the Bible. And again, if your spouse has been through abuse or hurt or say, I can't get there, then it's your job as the other spouse to encourage them and build them and listen to them and talk to them and over time get to a place where you can show them honor in that way. But it should be ongoing and it should be frequent. I get this question all the time. How frequent, pastor?

I'm confused because I would like to do, I would like to see frequency be every day and my spouse is kind of in the once a year thing. And then I would say, well, then compromise every other day. We're good, right? I mean, that's kind of the way you work it out. Because again, it's not about you, it's about them.

It's about pleasing them. And by the way, God makes it really clear here that sexual fulfillment is good for a woman and for a man. It's to be pleasurable for a woman and a man. Don't buy the lie that it's only pleasurable for men. It's not true.

God designed intimacy to be legitimate between a couple that is in covenant, that trusts one another, is honest with one another, values one another, preferences one another. That's just a natural outpouring of what it is. And it should be fun and it should be pleasurable. I mean, my wife's not here today, but you guys know her. I mean, you see her, she's smiling all the time.

That's a big reason why.

I mean, she's not embarrassed by. I'm not embarrassed by that. My kids were embarrassed in the first service and I told them, that's why you're here. So don't, you know, and I'm not trying to make light of this. I'm just saying that is a God given gift.

And here's what happens when God gives us a gift. What does Satan try to do? He tries to destroy it. Tries to destroy it. Some of you feel destroyed because in your singleness or in your marriage, you've done some things wrong.

And I got news for you. God can redeem all of it through the blood of Jesus. Some of you that are single say, I wish I would have heard this before. I wouldn't have done this. I wouldn't have been in that.

Some of you would say, well, it was my dad or my uncle or my. I didn't have any control over it. I want to tell you something. God can redeem all of it through Christ. He can.

Amen. We're going to spend a whole day on that coming on as to how he can do it, because he loves you that much, and he wants you to enjoy what he gave you. And that's why Satan goes to great lengths to use television, to use everything. I mean, you can't see an advertisement for anything without sex trying to be part of what sells it. But here's what you can know from biblical truth.

There's no such thing as a pleasurable one night stand. There's no such thing as a fulfilling. We just met in a bar, and now we're great. There's no such thing as sex outside of marriage that's producing what, what God describes in his word. It doesn't work.

It can't, because you can't have relational, emotional, spiritual intimacy, and God's not involved in that. But when you're in the marriage, you can have holy spirit worship sex, and God's a part of it. And he designed it and he said, it's good. He's the one that created it. You can't do that apart from a covenantal marriage vow.

Amen. And he wants us all to grow in this. Let me give you a fourth one, because for some of you listening to this, like, oh, I wish I would have known, I mean, how do I even get there? That's why God gave us number four. You're gonna have opportunities for oneness every day in your marriage.

You're gonna have a regular opportunity for prayer. Prayer. Intercede for one another. Intercede for one another. Pray for one another.

Jeremiah 33 three says, call to me, and I will show you great and mighty things you do not know. I'll tell you things about your spouse. I'll tell you things about your marriage. I'll tell you about what you need to change in yourself and who you need to be. Proverbs three, five and six, trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Do not lean on your own understanding. All your ways. Acknowledge him. He'll make your path straight. It means this.

Pray for your spouse. Pray for your spouse. Praying is intimate. When you pray for your spouse. When I'm talking about praying for your spouse, I'm not praying for.

Don't pray for your spouse. God, change them, change them, change. Just pray for your spouse. Pray blessing over your spouse. Pray favor over your spouse.

Pray that God would move in your spouse's life. Pray that God would open their hearts to all the things that he wants to do in and through them. I mean, pray for them. Pray for how they're parenting or pray for their relationship with you and pray for areas that you see that they need growth in and what God's revealed to you. And just ask God to move on your behalf for them.

Here's why you pray for your spouse. You can't change your spouse. Did you know that? That's totally free of charge. It may be the most important point.

I tell you all day, you can't change your spouse. You can't change your spouse by talking to them. And you certainly can't change your spouse by nagging them. A nagging wife is like a constant dripping. It's better to live on the corner of a roof than in a house with a contentious wife.

You can't change your husband. You should have been a brave. You need to hear, don't do that. Just pray for your husband. Don't tell your wife on the way home.

Did you hear what Pastor Jeff said about frequency? You need to get. Don't do that. You pray for your spouse. You love your spouse.

You exhort your spouse, right? Pray for them. Number two, I would say pray with your spouse. That's difficult. For some people that are loquacious and colloquial like I am, it's easy for me to come up with words and speak.

I like to do that for a lot of guys. They're just not that way. A lot of guys, you work with your hand, you work with your mind. You don't work with your mouth. You hear your wives talk, they pray these lord colorful prayers.

You're like, I can't do that. I can't pray with my wife. And just so you know, we speak totally different languages. Did you know that? Every marriage thinks they have a communication problem.

You don't have a communication problem. You're two different genders. You speak different languages, period. I mean, I've taken four years of Spanish, I've taken three years of Greek, and I've taken two years of Hebrew. I've been trying to learn the language of a woman for over two decades, and it's way harder.

I mean, let me give you a couple examples from our marriage. I mean, I could spend four days with my wife on a vacation with just the two of us, have the best time of our lives. We're totally connected. We come home from the trip, we're holding hands as we land in Dia. It's never been better.

Go to bed that night, wake up the next day, I go to work, she does her thing with the kids, and I can come home that night and she might say something to me like this. I just feel like I don't see you enough anymore.

And I used to go to logic, like, see you enough anymore. I just spent four days. That's 24 hours a day. That's nearly 100 hours. You only had me.

Like, can you not. Right. Go to logic? But I know she's not saying that. Here's what she's saying.

She's saying, you know, when we were away for four days, it was great to just have you. And I value our relationship so much. Do you value our relationship like that? Because it would be really good if while we're home, we could have that kind of relationship. And I'd like to be able to talk to you a little more than what I'm getting to do.

And today was really hard for me because you were gone all day. And if you would have been here, I would have had a lot better time. Do you feel the same way I do? Why didn't you just say that?

Do you understand what I'm saying? And, guys, we talk different than ladies. Ladies, listen to me. We just are quick to say things like, don't ask your husband, does this outfit make me look fat? Because he might answer.

You sure. I'm not saying to hurt you, but you wanted to know. I'm just telling you the truth. I mean, so we have to learn each other's language and we have to appreciate each other. That's why when we pray together, it's not a time to come together and pray and then butcher each other.

Like, lord, would you just please change her so much? Would you please change him? He is being such an idiot right now, and he doesn't even see. Don't pray that way together. You pray together to bless them.

Lord, help me become a better husband, or, lord, help me become a better wife to him. And all those different pray blessing over each other. And I realize it can be hard. I remember the first time my wife and I prayed together. We were back in Peoria, Illinois.

I was in my apartment. We had been friends for a long time. We'd never really prayed together because it's intimate. Grabbed her hand and said, let's just pray about that. We started praying, and we got done praying.

She opened her eyes and she's like, did you feel that. That was powerful. And I was like, yeah, baby. That's how I pray, man.

And I'm married to a woman. That's an intercessor. I'm married to a woman. That's her gift. That's what she loves to do.

She prays constantly throughout the day. She'll get down on her knees if something goes wrong. Her first knee jerk is to pray. She loves to pray. We love to pray together.

It becomes very natural for us. It's part of what we do. And here's the reality. Couples that pray together stay together. And when all those things happen, whether health issues, kid issues, marriage issues, communication, just pray about them.

Fight for oneness, but we're just gonna get together and pray. Lord, we know you're for us. We know you're for this. We just can't seem to figure out what to do. Lord, give us wisdom.

Pray. Pray together. I was in a small group once with a group of guys, and we were talking about praying for our wives, and one guy kept coming back, and he's like, I just can't do it. It's too scary for me. And I'm like, well, are you intimate with your wife?

He's like, yeah. I said, well, just make a vow. You won't be intimate with your wife till you pray with her. I so would you do that? He said, I'm not so sure I want to make that commitment.

So he came back the next week, and I said, did you do that? He's like, no. I said, come on, make a commitment. You're going to pray with your wife. He's like, okay, I'll do it.

He came back the next week. I said, how did it go? He's like, brother, we prayed and prayed and prayed all week long, right? And that's what it's about when you get together, something intimate about praying. That's why even for singles, when you pray, just know there's intimacy that happens when you pray.

And you need to even be careful about how you do that. But married couples, we don't use the gift that God has given us enough to seek his face in prayer for each other and with each other. And sometimes we're praying by ourselves for our spouse, right? Here's what I've learned, and this is, over the years, kind of pro tip number one for me. When you're frustrated, hurt, angry, sad or confused in your marriage about something that's happened with your spouse, ask God if you've ever treated him the way your spouse is acting towards you.

Meaning, has your spouse ever ignored you, or not listened to you, or disrespected you, or not prioritized you, or put other people or things ahead of you? Or not told you how much they've appreciated you, or told you they were going to do something and not do it? Or been lazy in their service, or complained about something that ever happened to you, then instead of calling them out on what they did wrong, why not go before the Lord and say, lord, before I say anything, Lord, has there ever been a time that I've complained about you? Lord, has there ever been a time I told you I was going to do something and I didn't do it? Lord, has there ever been a time that I've been lazy in my service towards you?

Lord, is there anything in me that needs to change, that you can change in me? And what I find is those are the best times that I ever hear the Lord. Because when I humble myself and posture myself, I realize this marriage is not for your happiness. Now, you can be happy in marriage, and God wants you to be happy in your marriage, but it's not primarily for your happiness. It's for your holiness.

And God gave you your spouse and designs all the trials in that for what he's trying to chisel away in your life. And sometimes it's a chisel, and sometimes it's heavenly sandpaper, and sometimes it's a chamois that he's polishing up, but everything that's going on is for you. Well, if I would have known this, I would have never married them. That's why God didn't tell you it was coming. Cause I find that when people are giving their vows and they're in love and they're doing all this, which is great, by the way.

I'm for that. I'm for marriage. It's beautiful. It's what God designed. But sometimes I think for sure in my marriage that when I was giving our vows and Kim and I were sharing them back and forth and we set our ideas, God was up in heaven.

Like, I got em. Yes. Cause he knew we were gonna be in covenant together. And by the way, don't ever use the d word in your marriage. Don't ever threaten divorce.

It's not an option. You don't get to do that. Now, we'll say this. Listen, listen, listen, listen. Hear me.

Don't just hear me, listen to me. If you're in an abusive relationship, you need to let somebody know so we can get you help. God didn't design you to get abused. You understand? That's not what I'm talking about here.

But I am saying, sometimes in a marriage, things are really, really, really uncomfortable. If I would have known this, I wouldn't have got married. Yeah. That's why God give you vows. That's why you say, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do us part, sickness and in hell.

Why? Cause you don't know what's coming. You're just saying, okay, sure, I'll do that. I'll do that. So great.

We're gonna be so happy. And then you go through that, and you realize, okay, this is what was coming. I didn't see it was coming. But we're praying about this. And, lord, show me what you're wanting to change in me.

And here's the reality. If you pray and ask God to change you, and God sees that he can work on you. He'll take care of your spouse. He'll see your humility in you. Kim and I didn't get off to a great start because both of us thought we were pretty awesome.

Cause we had been counseling people as singles. We knew everything there was to know about marriage except for our very own. When we got married. And I remember we would go to post marital counseling, and I remember we would leave the driveway of the guy's house we were going to, who had spent time in the word, showing us what we needed to, preference. And I remember one night leaving like, that was horrible.

He didn't even hear what you were doing. He didn't speak to you. All he did was attack me. I'm never going back to that guy. And then the next week, we go back, and I was sitting there.

We get in the car, I'm like, that was awesome, man. That guy is so smart. And Kim would be looking at me like, how can he even say that about me? He doesn't know me. And blah, blah, blah, I'm never going back to this guy again.

And what was going on in our life was we were trying to figure out how to get pleasure in our marriage for us rather than how to serve one another. And he was taking us through scriptures, how to take the plank out of our own eye, and how, before we take the speck out of another and quit blaming each other and start blessing each other and start doing that. And within a matter of weeks, really, I began to pray about what God needed to change in me. And I stopped trying to coach my wife. I was a coach by trade.

I thought she liked it. I remember we got in a new range, right when we got married and was walking in and this range, you know, four different little gas grills. But there was one that was a boiler range that you put on because it had extra heat on it. It was bigger. And one day I came in, she was boiling water and was on the other range.

I said, you know, that one right here is for, like, boiling water. And she looked at me and she's like, seriously? Now you're teaching me how to boil water? I'm like, yeah. Because, you know, I was coaching every little part of her life.

Cause that's what I did. I thought she was appreciating it, and she was dying on the inside. And God showed me quit coaching her and just love her. And at the same time, she was reading a book called the power of a praying wife, which she hated, but she read through the whole thing and did what? So independently of each other, she started praying for me, and I started praying for her.

She started asking how God could change her. I started asking how God could change me. And that's still what we do to this day. Because even after 20 years, a great love for one another and great build and great intimacy and all those different things, there's still ways that we're growing as to how to do this better with each other. And I know I still have to change.

And she knows she still has to change change. And that's what makes marriage beautiful. Because when you go through those things and you're still cemented together, there's a depth of love that you can't even imagine exists. Do not believe the lie. People, single people, have it all, man.

It's best get all you can while you're young. No, no, no. Not biblically. Biblically, marriage is where you get it. And it gets better and better and better and better and better over time.

Amen. That's the way God designed it. That's the way he designed it. There's so many times that we've done marital counseling, and we're sitting there and I'm going through the text, or my wife's going through the text, and there's times where I'm talking to the guy about what a man needs to be. And as I'm saying it, I'm thinking to myself, you haven't done that very well.

My wife is sitting next to me, and her eyes are piercing through back in my head. And as soon as we get done counseling, I'm looking at my wife, I'm like, I know that's a growth area for me. I'm really sorry. I need to get better at that. I mean, I know what I was telling him was true, but I still haven't arrived there.

Same for her. We're both give each other grace to do that. And every married couple we've met with, where you hear one person complain about this, the other person complain about this. It's like, y'all are perfect for each other. God's building a work.

He's shaping it. He's doing all that. Well. How do I know I married the right person? Because you gave vows and you're in covenant before God, so you totally did.

So quit looking around. That's how I know. Amen. Pray for one another, intercede for one another, and then here's the final one. I mean, if you're listening and valuing one another, you're honoring and preferencing one another.

You're intimate by trusting one another, you're praying and interceding for one another. This is the most beautiful one of all. Like, well, we haven't lived that way, Pastor Jeff. And if we would have done this from the get go, maybe things would have been different, or I tried to do it, but my spouse did, and it didn't work out well. And I just don't know what to do.

Like, what do I do? How do we get better? Or, my marriage is good, but I want it to be even better. Here's your first, your final opportunity, and I love this. For a vow to oneness, you have a regular opportunity for forgiveness.

Release one another. Release one another. That's what forgiveness is. Forgiveness means to untie, even in the Lord's prayer. We're praying, lord, forgive me in the same way you see me forgive somebody else.

Lord, forgive me in the same way that you see me forgive my spouse. It means you can be absolutely right and you can lose at the same time. If you don't get a this, you release the other person. You don't hold it over their head. Well, I didn't know you're going to be like this, and I didn't know you did that, and I didn't.

Doesn't matter. I forgive you. I totally forgive you. And by the way, there's nothing on this side of heaven that you can't forgive, because God, in his perfection and his eternality came here, who in every way was perfect and yet forgave you. And he forgave a bigger debt than anyone has ever had against you.

So you, as a Christian, do not have the ability to not forgive somebody else. Forgiveness is foundational it should be ongoing. It is regular. And forgiveness of your spouse can cause more unity and intimacy than being right. Let me give you a pro tip on this.

A couple things. One, your spouse doesn't need to ask to be forgiven. Well, as soon as they ask, as soon as they tell me they were wrong, I'll give it to them. But they don't even see that they did wrong. They don't need to see that they did wrong.

You saw that they did wrong, you felt that they did wrong. So just forgive them. They don't need to come ask for forgiveness. They offended you, so forgive them before the Lord. And number two goes along with it.

Your spouse does not have to be told everything that you forgive them for. That was a good day today. Yeah. But before we go to sleep, there are six things you need to know that I forgave you for today that you were unaware of. Are you ready?

Don't do that. That's holding them over your head. Now, I realize when somebody hurts you, it's hard to forget it. I'm not asking you to forget it. But forgiveness means I'm not bringing it up again.

There's some of you that have situations in your marriage that happened three months ago, three years ago, 30 years ago, and it still comes up every Easter, every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every summer, every time you're going to visit your in laws, every time you have a conversation about whatever comes up. Cause remember the time that. Stop it. If you've truly forgiven somebody, hand them over to the Lord, and then you can say this, Lord, I truly, by my will, I am forgiving them. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.

It's really hard. My emotions haven't caught up with the truth. Can you work on me? Can you show me how much you've forgiven me so that I can truly feel the forgiveness I'm extending? Because in a marriage, you need to practice ongoing forgiveness.

And let me say this. To the extent that your sin has been public, you need to ask for forgiveness publicly. There's times I've gone to my wife and I've said, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? There's times where I've acted out of line in front of my children, and I brought my children in and said, hey, what you just saw me do was totally wrong.

I should have never spoken to your mom that way or did that. And I need you to hear what I'm about ready to say to her and ask for forgiveness in front of them so they can see it modeled nobody has a perfect marriage. I don't have a perfect marriage. You can't have a perfect marriage, but you can have a growing, thriving marriage if you apply these things. I mean, these five things bring a lot of oneness to a whole different level.

And the beauty of this, you're gonna get an opportunity to practice them all this week. If you're married and if you're single, you can practice a lot of them, right? You really can. And singles. Just listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.

If you're dating somebody, if you're dating somebody and they don't value you, they don't listen to you, they don't preference you and honor you. You don't trust them. You don't pray together, and they don't intercede for you. You know, they're not going to church. You're having to drag them there.

They don't forgive you. They don't release offense. It's always on you. That's not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's just not.

And I love you enough as your pastor to tell you that. Because a wedding day, wedding days are all good. I mean, the worst thing can happen is maybe the cake falls or somebody got something on their outfit or whatever. Marriage, if you don't get these things right, can be really, really difficult. Don't get married.

Cause you're miserable. You can be ten times more miserable in a marriage than you can as a single if you marry the wrong person. You really can. And the beauty of this, and I'm looking forward to continuing this series. Cause I want you to know, like, I know I'm talking to a variety of different people.

Talking to young singles, older singles, divorced, widowed, married, happily married, married, and very difficult married. I know that's true of all of you. There's just different people here. But these truths are still truths, and God wants to build it. But I want to tell you, we'll get to a place, we'll spend a whole weekend on it.

How God wants to restore this. And that's how I wanted to end today. Because as you hear these stories, there can be massive conviction in your heart. Like, I wish I would have done this different, or, I know I can get better here. And it's not about an elbow.

It's not like my wife couldn't be here. I can't wait till she hears this one. Or, you know, it's not a. What did the Lord show you today? And here's the deal.

God's not asking you go out and fix it. He's saying, will you receive his grace? Will you allow the blood of Jesus to cleanse you from all unrighteousness? Will you allow him to come to a deeper place in your heart and take over your emotions and your spiritual life and your mental anguish and your physical challenges? And will you let God let you know you can begin again, freshen today.

So as you prepare your hearts for communion this morning on all the different campuses, I want you to hold the elements in your hand. You can stay seated, you can stand, you can kneel. Gonna be a song that's gonna be sung over you. If you're here with your spouse, you can hold your spouse's hand if you feel comfortable doing that. But prepare your heart and ask the Lord.

Lord, thank you for the cleansing blood of Jesus. I'm thankful again for your redeeming power that lets me start afresh again today. Father in heaven, we give you all the glory, honor and praise for who you are. And Lord, we ask you to move mightily in this moment. As with a spirit of contrition, we confess our sin before you, knowing that you don't shun us away.

You came to us and died on the cross. You were buried and yet you rose again from the dead. And you offer life to all who are repentant. Lord, today we repent. Again, we ask your forgiveness.

Again, we ask you you and invite you into our singleness and into our marriage. Again, we ask you to take us where you want us to go. And Lord, we give you all the glory, honor and praise. Prepare our hearts as we get ready to take this meal together on all of our campuses. After the singing of this song and it's in Jesus name we pray.

Amen.